People do not pass away. They die and then they stay.
-Naomi Shihab Nye

When our life is fundamentally altered through death or deep change and we experience the often profound and radical break with what is “normal” or how things are “supposed to be,” grief is the process through which we heal, transform, and again, slowly, find equilibrium. The fundamental work of grief happens in three broad, relational categories of meaning: identity, worldview, and life-rhythm. In other words, much of grief is holding in our bodies and hearts the simple but profound questions: “Who am I now?” “What matters to me?” and “How do I do this?”

We might then say that grieving is the skill of consciously, repeatedly, patiently, courageously, and compassionately turning toward our felt experience of the instability and vulnerability intrinsic to having our lives and relationships radically reorganized. In this context, grief is not the illness, but the medicine; not the fragmentation, but the gathering again into wholeness; not something to get through, but how we get through. Therefore grief is not to be avoided, but met, listened to, even revered (I know that may sound like a reach right now). One benefit of seeing grieving as a skill is that it opens us to the possibility of active cultivation, maturation, and empowered participation. What if we aren’t victims of our grief? What if we choose to be in relationship with it—not begrudgingly or with resentment, but with resolve and whole-hearted commitment. 

Asher is currently taking one-on-one and small group in-person clients at his office in Oregon City. He is also available for workshops, trainings, and public speaking in organizational settings both in-person and online. He regularly offers online series for those who are not local, but who wish to connect with other grievers and explore in more depth the nature of transformational griefwork. The series: “Apprenticing Ourselves to the Unknown: An Introduction to the Skill of Grieving” will be offered in March of 2025. Please feel free to reach out with any questions on the Contact page.

We burn out, not because we don’t care, but because we don’t grieve...because we have allowed
our hearts to become so filled with loss that we have no room left to care.
–Rachel Naomi Remen, MD